Matthew Mackenzie

Full Name: Peter Dinklage
Age: 22
Nickname: Matthew Mackenzie
Sex: Male
Hair: Short
Ears: Large
Eyes: Beady
Height: Wee
Limbs in correct proportion and quantity: Yes
Current Role(s): 1st grade batting all-rounder, Stu’s right-hand man, Holty’s left-hand man and the meat in Damian’s 1st Grade sandwich
Joined the Club: 2000/2001
Previous Club(s):
Accolades: Hiddilston Shield 2000/01, Clubman of the Year 2002/03, Cannon of the Year 2003/04
Fact: Matthew is the first furry pink goblin to play cricket for Lane Cove
Really?: Yes
Prior to 2006/07:
2405 runs at 22.9, 113 wickets at 24.1, 30 catches.
2005/06: Results Vault

It is with much joy that Closet Coves returns to greet the new season by introducing one of the fine young breed of cricketers leading the club to greater glory. Matt Mackenzie has gone from strength to strength over the past few seasons – except for his bowling, which has tailed off considerably – and can now add the prestigious feather of Lane Cove Cricket Club committee member to his already feather-laden cap. Hello Matthew, here’s a pair of mittens my mum knitted for you. They’ll keep your little hands warm.
Thanks.

First things first – congratulations on your election to the committee. What are the key issues you believe the club needs to address?
There are a few things I’d like to discuss that have required urgent attention for some time now. First off, Dodds. I don’t know how or why he managed to get on the club’s ruling body last year, but that significant fete pales in comparison to his re-election this year. It seems some Coves never learn. Other projects of mine include lengthening our sight screens to provide full coverage from the ground upwards and legalising the use of small motorized scooters when fielding. I also plan on installing a bucket on a rope in the grandstand at Tantallon… I’m sick and tired of having to climb up and down those steps every weekend.

Interesting. Can you confirm that the size of your heart is inversely proportional to your physical stature?
Yes… except in Gerard Boyle’s case.

Enlightening. To a more controversial topic, you’ve shared a meaningful personal friendship with Covie hero and man-about-town Damian Naughton. Other Coves have described you two as being “very close” while Paul Langtry has gone as far as to call you “the most outrageously flagrant pair of flaming Animal Rights activists I’ve ever seen”. You both exhibit an unexplainable hatred of wearing any garment with sleeves. Is it true that you two won’t wear anything thats made from a dead animal, or looks like it could have been made from a dead animal?
Yes, that’s true.

What happens if you’re fed after midnight?
I get indigestion.

Or if you get wet?
I might catch a cold.

This is all so fascinating. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside knowing that I get to show our wonderful Covie readers the sweeter side of Matthew Mackenzie. You could almost forget that I’m trapped in a closet with an angry and disturbed young man famed for his unprovoked outburts of verbal violence and irrationally loose behaviour. Has someone of the female persuasion managed to tame the miniature wildebeast?
I’ve become a more well-balanced individual since I found my soul mate – I’d like to think almost likeable. Usually the best things come in small packages, and thats certainly turned out to be true in this case.

Oooo, what’s her name?
Not telling!

Smurfette?
No!

Snow White??
Nope!

Thumbelina???
Nuh-uhh!!

Fine, keep your little secrets but at least tell us how you met.
We work together in the entertainment industry.

You’ve got so much in common! The Covie relationship record is three and a half weeks. Can you break it?
I’m not too confident. She’s taken a bit of a liking to Damian, yet one more thing we have in common.

Speaking of Damian again, when are you two going to grade?
I still find that funny. We’re not going to play for a Gordon or a North Sydney, we never considered it and we probably never will. Neither of us are that good.

Yes, you’re both rubbish. Why all the speculation??
Its a bit of a private thing between the two of us. A few years ago, Damian confided in me, saying “Matty, I’ve got a problem. I think I might be a grade cricketer”. I was shocked of course, but I told him that deep in my heart I suspected I’d been a grade cricketer for quite some time now too. After a good chat about it we decided that at a not too distant point in the future we could come out and play grade together.

Are you saying you’re not good enough to make it?
No, far from it. In fact Damian is so good people have offered him money to play grade. Playing grade is a lifestyle choice, and not one that everyone approves of. I haven’t told my parents yet, and I’m pretty sure Damian hasn’t told his either. No one likes to find out there’s a grade cricketer in the family. Australia is a very tolerant country – and Sydney has the country’s most celebrated grade scene – but its still a very difficult thing for some people to accept.

I’m not sure I follow…
We play grade, with each other, every day, as often as possible.

Wow, that’s commitment for you! It really does set the standard for the rest of the club and each player now knows in no uncertain terms what sacrifices they have to make to join you and Damian in the Cove’s top sides.
Damian and I are always on the look out for players. Some people might not think it, but I believe each and every Cove has it in him to become a grade cricketer. It usually helps to get them young though.

Really! Its intriguing to discover that in every Hinton or Harpham lurks a potential grade cricketer who could thrive and flourish with a bit of hard work and guidance from the right kind of person. Which Cove do you think could make it in grade?
Rob Huxley. You can’t buy that kind of experience and he can sure show Damian and I a thing or two. He’d be a great grade cricketer.

Awesome. Well thanks for that Matthew, the conversation has been incredibly stimulating and I’m glad you could take the time out of your busy cricket schedule to fit the Coves in.
No worries.

Great! Try not to fall on any sausage on your way out.
I can’t promise anything.

 

This particularly sad episode of Closet Coves was brought to you by Trent and Shane Willoughby.

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